By Danny Maybin
A few years ago, my family decided that I needed a new fishing companion after losing my old dog Posey. Badger, the little ill tempered feist they had chosen for me, had not worked out so well as I have chronicled in great detail. After many attempts to reconcile Badger’s bad behavior and general sense of entitlement, I finally gave up. After the excitement of numerous fishing trips, dulled by the knowledge that Badger had to be included for my families sake (they still think I like him), the small fortune of equipment he’d destroyed and that smirk that only he can make, I came up with an activity for him when he was supposed to be out with me, fishing. Obedience school! He absolutely hates it. The cost of obedience school is fairly expensive until you consider my savings in ruined equipment, seat covers and Band-Aides. He used to sullenly walk to the truck when I called him to go fishing. Now, if he sees me with a fishing rod, he pulls a vanishing act to rival any magician. For the families sake, I’ll call out, “Come on Badger, lets go fishing!” and then “Now where is that little dickens?” I usually find him under our bed or the couch and have to drag him out growling and snapping. Of course, obedience school is of no real benefit to Badger. If I could find a school for the criminally insane dogs it might be of some help, but I doubt it. My only fear now is that he will be expelled.
Sometimes, when things start going right, they really go right! About the time I discovered obedience school, the kids came home with an orphan kitten whom they had named Reuben. He was a scraggly thing and I worried Badger might do something maniacal to him. Reuben required feeding with a dropper for several weeks and it was very “touch and go” in the beginning. I remember thinking this was going to be entertaining as I would watch Badger stare at the kitten with disdain as my wife would give Reuben his dropper feedings in her lap, Badgers favorite lair at home!
I guess Reuben’s early struggles are what made him into the tough minded, master of his domain he is today. As he grew, it was obvious he was from one of the large breeds. It wasn’t long before he had passed Badger in size and weight and firmly established himself as the apex pet in the household. At his last vet visit he weighed in just under twenty six pounds! That’s more than double Badger’s size.
Surprisingly, Reuben has proven to be a benefit to me as I hardly ever watch television anymore. Oh, I pretend to watch but what I’m really doing is watching Badger get his “just desserts”. Like a panther or a mountain lion, Reuben will hide and wait for Badger to come cautiously around a corner, or out from under a chair, then pounce like a lion on a gazelle.
Badger will shriek like a little girl while trying to get traction on the wood floor. Sometimes, it’s more than I can contain, which brings looks of disapproval from my wife and kids when a chuckle escapes me. To watch him try to sneak by Reuben while He’s sleeping is priceless. It’s like the cartoon animals who, with all four feet bunched up together under them, walk on their tiptoes. All that’s missing is the “tinkle, tinkle, tinkle” sound effect.
I’m thankful that Badger can’t talk. I know he would rat me out in a second. So far, the only way he’s been able to express his utter contempt for me is three “peed to death” bushes in the front yard and four mutilated Barbie dolls my daughter left on the living room floor. When I catch him staring at me like he’s planning my demise, I simply grin and wink at him. This is, apparently, the ultimate insult. He starts this low pitched growl and turns his face away so slowly you really have to watch to see it moving and if I really want to put the cherry on top, all I have to do is pick up Reuben and place him in my wife’s lap.
I know you’re thinking I derive too much pleasure from all this, but you have to understand, the little monster has held me hostage with the family for so long with his nasty attitude, the line between dutiful pet owner and self preservation has been greatly diminished. I think at this point, Badger and I have gone over the proverbial cliff and there’s nothing left to do but ride it out.
I know Reuben will never be a fishing buddy, as I have never seen an animal with such distaste for water. I’m slowly coming around to the fact that I’ll have to learn to be happy by myself on the boat. I don’t know if I’ll ever see those joyous days of fishing with my favorite dog again but one thing I do know is that Reuben is fulfilling his duties to the family just fine.
Danny Maybin’s family have fished and hunted in the area of Lake Summit for at least six generations. He is a state firearms instructor a, blacksmith, musician/luthier, and his favorite, a fishin’ and hunting resort facilitator. He also does voice acting, copywriting, and short story humor.