It’s a sad time.
Last week the fishing and hunting community lost one of its greatest men, and I lost one of my best hunting and fishing partners. Stan was the foremost all-around outdoorsmen I have ever met. Whether he was on a blue ribbon trout stream or in a tree stand, Stanley was always at the top of his game and always shot the biggest buck or caught the biggest fish. He was so young, healthy and happy and then… BAM! It happened.
Stan’s wife had a baby.
And just like that, it was all over. Of course, Stan claims differently. “I’ll still be able to hunt!” He exclaims to me on the phone. “I’ll be there on the stream for the trout opener!” He insists as I hear his daughter crying (screaming, caterwauling, shrieking, etc.) in the background. But I know differently. I know because I’ve been there, and I’ve done that.
My wife and I had kids right away. And when I say “right away” I mean quickly. Our daughter was born almost nine months to the day from our wedding day. Believe me, my Aunts were using calculators, abacuses and all of their fingers figuring the math on that one! In accordance with the middle-class handbook, our son followed three years later. I have juggled the almost impossible task of raising children while trying to participate in every different hunting and fishing season.
That’s why it was so funny to hear Stan tell me nothing would change.
Don’t get me wrong I love my two children. I believe that the greatest thing a man can do is bring children into this world and teach them to be productive members of society. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But they can certainly cut into your huntin’ and fishin’ time.
So I decided to share some quick facts about being a young parent while trying to be an avid sportsman. You know, just so you newbie parents out there know what you have in store for you.
– You WILL spend enough money on diapers, Pull-Ups©, and baby wipes over the course of two children to buy a nice, used bass boat. My advice is to switch from disposable diapers. Cloth is also too expensive and will cut into your fishing/hunting funds. The answer? Paper towel. Wrap up your kid in some bounty and paper clips and let your wife take it from there. If you married well, she won’t mind.- The insidious administrators and teachers in your children’s school will schedule all dance recitals, choir concerts, parent/teacher conferences and orientations on opening day. Whether it’s opening day of deer (bow or gun), trout, grouse, or fur harvester does not matter. I have a suspicion that the education system gets the DNR regulations 3-6 months before anyone else.
– In most cases, your wife will not be amused by camouflage baby clothes. Additionally, society does not accept a seven-foot, heavy action rod with a 7:1 gear ratio casting reel as a proper birthday gift for your two-year-old daughter. However, a Ruger 10/22 rifle is totally acceptable as a young girl’s Sweet 16 birthday present.
– The moment the umbilical cord is cut from your newly born bundle of joy the dog will instantly become a toy, a teething ring, a punching bag, a pillow and a horse. Most dogs will grudgingly accept these new roles with a simple eye roll and a doggie sigh. Be prepared to have the dog chew up a couple of baby toys. Go easy on him. The poor guy earned it.
– There will be many instances when you put your child down for a nap , and that kid will go into the deepest sleep you’ve ever seen. You’ll raise an arm, and it will fall limply to the bed. You’ll whisper their name and get no response. Your wife will be running a vacuum cleaner right outside the room! After all this, no matter how quietly you open your tackle box to do some rearranging that child will be instantly awake and will want to touch every treble hook in the box.
– Wives will expect you to help. I know… it’s ridiculous. She’ll expect you to change dirty diapers, give baths, switch car seats from one car to the other, shop (Ug!) and participate in every mundane aspect of your child’s life and it will decimate your hunting and fishing opportunities.And that’s the best part. You’ll lose a lot of outdoor time, and you’re gonna miss an opening day here and there. At the time you’ll complain (internally if you’re not stupid) and pout a little but when it’s all said and done you’ll look back on those ordinary, routine, everyday moments with your kids with a fondness and happiness that far outshines dropping the biggest buck or catching the biggest fish.
And you may not believe it now, as you wrap your tiny infant’s little, red butt in Bounty paper towels but you’re raising the best huntin’ and fishin’ partner you’ll ever have.