Capt. Tim Ramsey
I know this Chinese Virus has people on edge. We’ve all become contagious disease-transmitting lepers. I know there is conflicting information, one political party using it to attack their rival, and hospitals fudging the numbers for “COVID-money,” but let’s all take a deep breath. Some of you are acting a bit squirrelly.
I went into my favorite tackle shop the other day. As I near the front door I notice a man getting close to the other side, on his way out. He sees me coming, his terrified eyes get big as softballs and he literally backs up. Not only did he give me the supposedly “appropriate” 6-degrees of separation from me and Kevin Bacon, he gave me fifteen feet. What made it weird was he ducked partially behind a shelf while keeping his eyes on me. Once in, he scurried out like I just came in with a Coronavirus sprayer. What the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks?
A friend goes to the beach with his casting rod in hand. Sure, people increased their distance as the possibility of contagion fed the force field around him, but there was weirdness in the air. A couple ran along the water’s edge, in bikini and boardshorts, and surgical masks. The man had his slung under his chin, and the woman had hers over her face. Apparently, she was sweating into it, making it hard to breathe. She stopped, bent at the waist, pulled it off, and tried to catch her breath as she told her partner to act as security guard, keeping the imaginary lepers at bay. My friend, minding his business, approached with his fishing rod, was verbally warned by the man to “keep his distance.” Further up the beach, a woman buried baby diapers and other trash in the sand rather than throw them away (a growing problem on Naples beach), while another in her party played with the kids in the water. Both wore bikinis and dust masks from the hardware store. The woman in the water was twenty feet from shore.
I go into the Wawa. Standing on the designated spot on the floor waiting for my hoagie, I spy a woman entering. Surgical mask, plastic basket held with her arm through the handle with a bent elbow. She held her hands in front of her in purple kitchen gloves like she’s walking in for surgery. First, she asked a clerk to get her a bag coffee grounds from the rack. Confused, the clerk obliged, holding the bag out for her. “No, in the basket,” she said, turning sideways to put the basket between them. Then “put some Splenda in the basket for me.” The clerk paused, then said “ma’am, the sweeteners are for the coffee bar.” The woman said, “I know, I want some for home.” Perplexed, the clerk just complied and grabbed a handful of packets, holding them out. “No, in the basket” she said again. Over to the sandwich counter for her online order. Same thing. In the basket. Was it the virus or just Naples entitlement? Call it “Corona Craziness.”
In California, they want you to wear a mask while eating. People take wedding photos on the beach, each person six feet apart, and each wearing masks. Do they wear them when they go back up to their beach house? People are screaming at small children and getting in fights over masks. They get hypoxic while running. They wear them alone in the car. It’s crazy. I know, they might help. I get it. Here’s the analogy. Two guys going surfing. Both wear shorts. First guy pees on second guys leg, no problem. If second guy puts on his wetsuit, he only gets partially hit. If first guy puts on his wetsuit, he pees in it. Second guy gets none of it. But are masks making us crazy? Did the China Virus turn us into lepers? Why is no one mad at China? How are we “alone together”? What does “contactless” really mean? Unless we invent the food replicator from Star Trek, there is definitely contact. Wait. I’m digressing. Time to fish. That’ll keep me calm in the “Year of the Leper.” See you out there. Or not.