By Jim Mize
My interest in old-guy gadgets began late on a cloudy, winter afternoon. I’d had a fair day drifting a tandem rig of nymphs, using a weighted stonefly up front and an olive caddis pupa in back. The secret to picking up fish all day had been putting it on their noses, which they kept on the bottom. So, routinely, I had been sacrificing a few flies to the rocks.
After tying on a new rig just before sunset, I realized I had left my glasses on. These were progressive lenses and the only progressive thing about me. Until that moment, I’d used them mostly for rigging leaders and flies. I fished with them in my pocket. Until now.
Realizing you’re an old guy sometimes takes multiple clues. I had already noticed I had become the oldest hunter in our dove field this year. A few weeks before this fishing trip, a waitress refused to take payment for coffee as she was sure I qualified for the senior discount, which included free coffee. She didn’t even card me. I tipped her anyway.
Visual clues rarely tell when old age has hit because the daily difference in the mirror is miniscule. Or maybe we just push the thought back in our minds to deal with later. There’s always later, just less of it than there used to be.
Sometimes nicknames used by strangers will tip you off. If you cut someone off in traffic and they shout, “Out of my way, you old coot”, you might consider that proof. Especially if your car has tail fins or you’re stopped by classic-car collectors who want to buy your fishing vehicle.
The deal with the glasses on the river, however, had been the clincher. So I gave in and decided to make the best of it. Since I have, I’ve stumbled across a number of old- guy gadgets.
Some of them are simple and not restricted to old guys. For instance, after dropping my glasses elbow-deep in a cold stream, I stopped at the fly shop on the way home and got one of those spongy bands you hook to your glasses so they don’t fall off your head. It was a lively blue-green pattern like a bonefish shirt.
My son saw it when I got home and said, “Hey, Dad’s wearing a Croakie!” I didn’t know that was the name, but I guess it fits. Croakie sounds like something for an old guy about to keel over.
From there I went on to one of my favorite inventions, Big-Eye Hooks. Orvis advertises that a Big-Eye size 22 hook has an eye comparable to a regular size 16. You might think it would tip forward, but I haven’t found that so far. Or if it did, I couldn’t see it. Which is possible.
I now have a box full of magnum midges tied on these hooks, each one looking like a gnat that got in a boxing match and took a shot to the nose.
The next best things to Big-Eye Hooks are gadgets that help you thread standard hooks. I got one of those devices that hangs on your vest and leads your tippet through the eye of a hook. Frankly, I always forget I have it and just cuss my way through the normal routine of holding my fly and tippet up to the sky, either for better visibility or as an offering to the angel of hook threading.
Then, one day, I stumbled upon threader boxes. After buying my own, I can sit at home and thread up my smallest flies on wire loops, which any fool can get a tippet through, as I have proven. Now I have spare wires threaded with my smallest flies and clipped inside the box, each waiting its turn.
My most recent investment is a Dropper Rig Fly Box. Instead of fumbling with cold, not-so-nimble fingers to tie my tandem nymphs, I do it at home. Then, I wrap the rigs on foam flats to file in the box for future use. With any luck, I’ll remember where I put it.
With the various gadgets stuffed in my vest pockets, my vest weighs more than a Canada goose. I see now why some old people stoop; it’s from carrying all their gadgets.
You might think all these gadgets would solve my fishing problems, but far from it. Between me and all my baby-boomer friends, someone who can develop the following products could make a mint. Or, at least, a tidy portion of our retirement incomes.
For starters, I still get hung in trees on my backcast. I can’t blame this so much on old age because I’ve always done it. But the peripheral vision on my progressive focals basically sucks. I feel like I’m looking at the world through two paper-towel tubes. So to make up for my vision defects, what I’d like is a rod that beeps as my backcast gets close to a tree. I know it’s possible because my truck does the same thing backing into a parking spot.
On second thought, it might be better if the rod handle vibrates instead of beeping. I probably wouldn’t hear it anyway and if I did, it might startle the dickens out of me. I could mistake all the beeping for being backed over by a garbage truck.
Finally, my waders have one major fault that needs correcting; they let me fall down. Sometimes I slip, other times I wobble and lose my balance. What I need are gyroscopic waders. I know if someone can balance a two-wheeled scooter with a gyroscope, surely they can make waders that won’t let me fall down. I don’t even care if they call them Weeble Waders and use a slogan like, “Weeble Waders let you wobble but you won’t fall down”, just so long as they work.
Old age is something I would be pleased to approach with dignity. Unfortunately, floating upside down, top-heavy with old-guy gadgets and unsupported by Weeble Waders, it’s hard to say my buoyant backside is my most dignified side.
At least one thing has yet to change over all the years and stays with me as an old guy: I’m a sucker for gadgets.
Old-Guy Gadgets” is an excerpt from Jim’s award-winning book, A Creek Trickles Through It. You can purchase autographed copies at www.acreektricklesthroughit.com.
A Humorous Book for Fly Fishermen
Awarded First Place in the Southeastern Outdoor Press
Association Excellence in Craft Competition
Award-winning author, Jim Mize, has written a humorous book specifically for fishermen. Titled, A Creek Trickles Through It, this collection delves into such topics as carnivorous trees, persnickety trout, and the dangers of fly-tying. Whether you are an armchair fisherman or one with well-earned leaky waders, A Creek Trickles Through It will be a welcome addition to your fishing library.
Jim has received over one hundred Excellence-In-Craft awards including the Pinnacle Award from POMA for his book, Hunting With Beanpole. His articles have appeared in Gray’s Sporting Journal, Fly Fisherman Magazine, Fly Fishing & Tying Journal, South Carolina Wildlife, as well as many conservation publications. You may order copies through Amazon or his website at www.acreektricklesthroughit.com.