[dropcap]O[/dropcap]ne of my friends recently viewed the movie “Forrest Gump,” and opined that fishing is “just like a box of chocolates.” Having never seen that film, I figured he meant it’s because you spend more money than you should, get your hands messy, and often feel sick when you’re done. My pal said no, in the movie that line follows with “you never know what you’re gonna get.” Well, to me, that makes it sound like fishing is just like using a gas station toilet without disinfecting the seat first.
Anyway, I invite you to improve the chances of knowing what you’re going to get on your next outing. Simply check your Zodiac sign in the horoscope below for predictions and/or guidance for fishing, based on the highly accurate scientific method of correlating life outcomes with the day you sprung from the womb.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
As Aquarius = “water bearer,” you possess a huge bait well that holds twice the live shrimp as the standard model. Oops – your aerator clogged. Make that twice the dead shrimp.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Your sign is Latin for “fish.” So let’s face it: you have a moral and Zodiac obligation to either catch more than your boat- mates or pay for all the trip gas.
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Your fifishing partners will make fun of you only because they don’t understand you were converting your 7 foot light action rod into a 6 foot medium-heavy action pole when you slammed the car door on it. Accident? What accident?
TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20)
By tonight your name will be a perma- nent fixture in Big Bend fishing trivia as the answer to the question about most catfish stings survived in one trip.
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20)
Congrats on your slam. Not inshore or offshore slam, but a “slammer slam:” overslot redfish, expired license, verbally assaulting an FWC officer.
CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Your odds for making a living from fish- ing skyrocket after Kevin’s Sporting Goods sponsors a huge monthly cash prize for most ladyfish caught in one trip.
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22)
As befits your Zodiac name, you encoun- ter the first lionfish invasion of Apalachee Bay, pulling two dozen from your former mangrove snapper hole. Bad day to be fishing barefoot.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22)
You trump GEMINI’s day with a “boat ramp slam:” trailer flat, busted prop, lost drain plug.
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Respectful anglers who commend the “catch and release” spirit of the crimped barbs on your Chug Bug don’t realize that it’s for personal safety…so you can practice “catch and release” on your thumb.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 22)
Good thing you borrowed LIBRA’s top- water plug for easy removal from your catch when you accomplished your “inshorebird slam:” loon, gull, anhinga.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 21)
Question: How much must you spend on Febreze to erase the smell in your trunk after leaving a cast nest in it the entire sweltering Labor Day weekend, without first checking for gilled mud- minnows in the mesh? Answer: It will be cheaper to buy a new car.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
I guarantee you will limit out on every species you seek today AND buy a win- ning lottery ticket on the way home from a perfect trip, or I will personally refund you the full amount you paid for this magazine.
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