A s we all know, this year saw a scientific phenomenon never seen on the planet before. For the reasons scientists can’t agree, but April lasted 46 days. Some academics argue that the month was actually its normal 30 days long and it just seemed longer to fishermen who were stuck between ice fishing and not ice fishing. Those academic-types generally spend all of their time indoors looking at flowcharts and hypotenuses and are not to be trusted.
So, after this freak 46-day April, we are on the verge of the greatest holiday on the Gregorian calendar: The opening day of bass fishing season. While I don’t understand it, I realize that there are some out there who have never been bass fishing. For those poor, wretched souls I have put together this short list of tips for the beginner bass fisherman. There is an entire industry of magazines and television shows dedicated to teaching the technical aspects of bass fishing. is guide will provide the novice with the important lessons that these “pros” ignore.
1. Leave the live bait at home.
Using live bait for large and smallmouth bass is like using roofies to get a date with a supermodel. Bass are the most noble of game fish and, as such, deserve to be pursued in the most challenging manner possible. Worms are fine for panfish. I even hear that some walleye fishermen use live bait but, seriously, how far can you trust a walleye fisherman? No live bait. Just… don’t.
2. Forge an agreement with your spouse (or BFSO).
Spouses and BFSOs (Bass Fishing Significant Others) are more responsible for missed fishing days than weather, work, and drought combined. Since the first caveman tied a football jig onto his spinning reel, wives have worked tirelessly to block their mates from fishing. Overcoming this problem is much simpler than most would believe. Merely sit your spouse or BFSO down and explain to them how much you enjoy bass fishing. Sincerely tell her how alive the sport makes you feel and how close you are to nature when you are on the water with a rod and reel in your hand. If your spouse still makes it hard for you to fish, simply get a di fferent spouse. Easy peasy.
3. Make sure you have a camera.
This is very important. Always have a camera available. If your catch is small (or even normal) the camera can stay in its little nylon pouch. If, however, your catch is monumental you must capture its image on film of some sort. If the image is not taken, and I can’t stress this enough, nobody will believe you caught the fish. On a side note: leaving the camera at home or in the truck almost guarantees you will catch the largest bass of your entire life.
4. Always have a white spinner bait.
Let me preface this by saying I’m not a professional tournament bass fisherman, although I hope to someday be one (watch your back, VanDam!). Having said that I can say with the ultimate con fidence that you should always have a white spinner bait in your possession at all times. It’s pretty obvious that this lure represents a freshwater white octopus with 200 arms that’s swinging a silver Frisbee over its head really fast. Apparently bass love white octopi. I don’t like to endorse any particular brand of spinner bait, but Strike King is my favorite. If you could all write a short letter to Strike King and tell them I wrote this that would be great.
5. You must have a boat.
As I have been telling my beautiful wife for 23 years… it is physically impossible for a grown man to catch a large or smallmouth bass without a boat. Spouses and BFSOs don’t understand this but it’s a fact. Most bass fishing wildlife biologists probably tell their spouses the same thing, so it’s science.
6. Conjunctivitis is your friend.
In this inhumane world bosses generally try to avoid paying us unless we actually show up and put in a full day’s work. As ridiculous as this concept sounds to the avid bass fisherman it’s a fact of life. At odds with this expectation of work is the fact that fish are very active on workdays. For this reason it is imperative that you embrace the dreaded conjunctivitis, or “pink eye.” Pink eye lasts for two to three days. Pink eye is highly contagious. Pink eye can be blamed on your kids. Pink eye is the perfect excuse to call in sick to work. Bosses don’t want a whole office (shop, garage, crew) full of oozy-eyed workers so they will demand you stay home. If you have a particularly insidious boss who requires doctor’s notes I suggest you find a kid with pink eye, stat. Th is may seem excessive but desperate times require desperate measures and it’s not like your going to miss a mid-week fishing trip, right?
I hope these tips help the novice bass fishermen out there. Now go get a camera, a white spinner bait, an infected kid, and enjoy the bass season!